Who wants to surrender, to give up? It is practically un-American. We like winners and wish to be winners. Soldiers will fight to the last bullet and even the last man before surrendering, and even then will sometimes refuse to surrender. It is commonly associated with being a “loser” and a “quitter.” Those who do surrender are often characterized as humiliated and subjugated. On occasion, it even evokes the connotation of cowardice. And sometimes that is the case. Yet, there is another side to surrender.
Surrender can sometimes mean freedom. As mentioned above, occasionally folks give up when they have decided they are just unable to win. Many brave men and women have given up with dignity simply because they were forced to do so. The courageous troops commanded by Gen. Douglas MacArthur, 66,000 Filipinos and 12,000 Americans, surrendered on the Bataan peninsula in WWII. They were starving and out of ammo. Elements of the famous Glorious Glosters, a storied British Regiment, surrendered at the Imjin River in Korea after being overrun by thousands of Chinese troops. They had no choice. In both instances, many of the men later died in POW camps anyway. However, some did eventually find freedom. The point is that all of them would have died had they not surrendered. So, apparently a case can be made for honorable surrender with the hope of redemption.
Surrender to Win
In recovery circles, one frequently hears the phrase “surrender to win!” What does that mean? Is it a call to give up one’s willpower? Contrary to common wisdom, willpower is necessary for recovery. It is needed to work the steps. It is needed to call one’s sponsor every night. It is needed to read the Big Book regularly.
Where it cannot be used is in willing an end to addiction. If the addict or alcoholic could simply will “the peculiar allergy” away, AA, NA, rehab and the like would be unnecessary. Indeed, no such thing as chemical addiction would exist, since the signal characteristic of the malady is an inability to cease habitual and debilitating use of mood altering substances without help.
The suffering individual can use his or her willpower to decide to ask for help, but not for recovery itself, except in the volitional choices he or she makes during the process of getting well, which, as we know, takes a lifetime. Indeed, in recovery, I have the freedom to choose to do the things necessary to stay clean and sober one day at a time, but not to directly choose recovery per se.
This all begins to seem like an exercise in semantics if analyzed too deeply. However, this distinction must be made so as not to later confuse willpower with freedom.
Surrender Leads to Freedom
How does surrender lead to freedom? What if the suffering individual states emphatically, with or without an oath, that he or she is done with drinking and using and that he or she will never touch the stuff again! Have they surrendered? No. They are simply stating that they can do it on their own, that they need no help, that they can do it with willpower alone.
Of course, they will most likely be drinking and using again soon. Why? Because they have not surrendered. They have not acknowledged deep down in their soul that the need and must ask for help.
On some level they do know that they need help, but that realization is shoved to the back of their consciousness by an overweening ego which will not consider the idea that they have to reach out for it. In other words, they will need to swallow their pride and become dependent on another human being for a while – and then an Higher Power after that.
Having to ask for such assistance is anathema to the grandiose version of themselves they have created over years of substance abuse, mostly in the form of defense mechanisms and other unending attempts to defend, explain, and blame shift their drinking and using in a way which leaves them innocent of it. Obviously, this is an impossible task and a hard habit to break as well.
The Gift of Desperation
Hopefully, the suffering individual will receive the gift of desperation, experience a moment of clarity, or just become sick and tired enough of being sick and tired that he or she will seek help. Then they can use their will to choose to make their desires for assistance known. It is suggested that he or she clearly voice this request without equivocation. Muttering about the need for a little short-term support while looking at the ground or gazing at the sky will not cut it. Making declarative statements about never drinking or using again surely will not. Indeed, it is the equivalent of stating defiantly, “I got this!”
The practical mechanism for reaching out usually occurs when one decides to ask for a sponsor. How many times have men new to the program approached me and said something to the effect of, “I’m interviewing people to be my sponsor”? Somehow, they have missed the point. They fail to realize that they are not “interviewing” me, I am interviewing them. It will truly be their first act of humility.
The foregoing discussion of the mechanics of surrender may seem a little harsh in tone. Nonetheless, it must take place in some semblance to the manner described. If the individual is truly interested in recovery, the initiative needs to be entirely with them. In fact, it can truly be no other way. Because from then on, every effort for recovery will by necessity come from them. In effect, they are daily answering the question, “Am I willing to go to any lengths to get clean and sober?” Of course, the maxim that “God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves” not only still applies, but reiterates and reinforces the notion that an individual must exhaust their own capacities before a Higher Power will step in. No, the first step, which celebrates confession and surrender, is indispensable. Accept no substitutes!
Written by Don Phillips
Don Phillips is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with more than 27 years of experience in behavioral health and 35 years of personal recovery from chemical addiction. He holds a Bachelor’s degree in General Psychology from Athens State University and a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from Alabama A&M University. He is an Advanced Alcohol & Drug Counselor (AADC) and Internationally Certified AADC (ICAADC).